Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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