apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
