Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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