grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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