Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
