You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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