I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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