Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
