epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
