I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
