Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
