my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
