Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
