i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
