I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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