4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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