No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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