We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
