I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
