Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
