i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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