fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
