I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
