Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
