I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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