I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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