Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
