Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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