We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
