And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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