I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
