I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have fence marks all over my body
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
