at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
