i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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