I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
