just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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