I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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