TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
