can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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