If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
