I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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