i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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