Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
