I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I smell like Dick and happiness
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
