He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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