You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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