her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
