All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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