She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
