I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
